Week 3: Zip It!

Scripture to reflect upon for Relationship Revival: James 1:19-20

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

If you follow my blog, you’ve heard me say before that Jared and I have only had three arguments in our four year relationship. One thing I credit for that is we unknowingly follow this scripture to a tee. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. We are not perfect in any way, shape or form…especially me!

I’ve always been an outspoken person, and even when I try to speak my mind civilly, it typically comes out all wrong. I have a tendency to offend and hurt without even realizing what I’m doing.

I think it’s important to express yourself, and I think if someone has hurt you, you have every right to say so. But let’s get one thing straight: people don’t like confrontation, and when they are confronted on something they did wrong, they will always attack and try to turn it around on you somehow. Admit it. We all do it.

The problem is that sometimes we only listen to key words that trigger an emotion in us. I may not be saying what I need to say in a tone of anger, but if it sounds like an attack on the other person, they will typically respond by attacking back. And we all know how that story ends.

If we are quick to listen and slow to respond to what’s been said, you can honestly avoid getting angry. I know it works because Jared is the king at this, and it has benefits for me, too.

When I get upset and say something, usually not in a very pleasant tone, Jared hears it but doesn’t react to it. Why? Because he knows that what I’m feeling is legitimate to me, but it’s nothing for him to get all bent out of shape over. So he doesn’t say anything! Nothing! And let me tell you, his silence rebukes me quickly. I am instantly aware of what I just said and how I said it, and almost immediately I am apologizing.  And it’s over just like that. No argument. No name calling. No doors slamming.

Now on the opposite end of this, if we would truly listen to our partner, we could almost always avoid any and all types of disagreements, outbursts, and tirades.

We were craving pizza the other night, and rather than order one for $25, Jared offered to go to the store and get a frozen one. I asked him to get a particular brand. The last time we did this very same thing, the store didn’t have my brand. This is what I said to him the first time: “I want Carlo’s pizza with sausage. If they don’t have Carlo’s, then get anything else but with pepperoni. Carlo’s is the only pizza I like with sausage. I don't like sausage on any other pizza.” That first time he couldn’t find Carlo’s sausage he ended up buying a Home Run sausage pizza, which I absolutely hate! I got a bit bothered the first time and explained how I despise Home Run's sausage in particular. But the other night, he did the same exact thing! He couldn’t find Carlo’s and bought the same Home Run sausage pizza again. This time…I lost it! Jared stood there with a confused look on his face and asked, “What are you getting so mad about?” And I replied, “You say you always want to do things to please me, but yet it seems you don’t listen to me.” I’m sure he will never ever again buy a Home Run sausage pizza. At least I hope he won’t.

ACTION PLAN: This week zip it! Keep your mouth shut when your partner vents. Sometimes that’s all we need: to vent, get it out and get it over with. We are not looking for a fight, nor are we looking to deliberately hurt our partner. Let each other vent, but listen closely. Pay attention to what they are really upset about. If your partner is mad that you don’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the dishes in the dishwasher from now on. It’s a small act you can do to eliminate stress or anger in your partner, or a possible argument over something trivial that can easily be fixed.

If you are the one who is angry, let it out, but don’t use your partner’s name and do not direct your frustration at them. Focus on what is making you mad. You are not mad that your partner doesn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, you are angry because you don’t like dishes in the sink. So instead of saying, “James, why can’t you ever put your dishes in the dishwasher?!” instead say, “I really hate dishes in the sink!” Partners: LISTEN UP AND ZIP IT!

If your partner did not respond with an argument when you spoke out of anger, convey your apologies, express yourself in a more well mannered tone, and move on.

FACT: We all have our pet peeves that rub us the wrong way. We all want to be heard when we have something important to say, especially concerning our feelings. Whatever bothers your partner is important to them, even if it seems ridiculous to you. Zipping your lip will avoid silly arguments that can escalate into something much worse than dishes in a sink. 

GO FURTHER: Sit down with one another and make a list of things your partner does that upsets you, and then discuss it together. Jared and I did this not too long ago. He didn’t close the shower curtain when he was done showering. I would just get upset when I saw it, said nothing, and then I’d shut it. It wasn’t a big enough deal for me to get mad at him. It was something that bothered me. After nicely discussing it, he now makes a conscious effort to shut the shower curtain. Does he do it all the time? No, but at least 90% of the time is better than never. It’s the effort that matters. What bothers you may not bother someone else, but in a relationship we should always be aware of our partner’s pet peeves and make sure we don’t do things that will rub them the wrong way. We may have to adjust our own behaviors in the process, but if it means eliminating frustration in your partner’s life, then I think it’s worth it! Pick and choose your fights. Jared not closing the shower curtain was not worth my own energy getting angry about and/or starting an argument over. Making the list together and then talking about it is an easy and fun way to talk about things that bother you. During this process, you may even end up laughing hysterically at how silly it all sounds, while also realizing that it means something important to the other person. Post your list to remind you and your partner how to keep peace with one another.

SINGLES: You can easily apply this lesson in almost every area of your life and in all of your other relationships. One thing to focus on this week is to make a list of your own pet peeves. Think back to previous relationships and the things they did (or didn’t do) that upset you. Take note of things that you do from day to day that might be someone else’s pet peeve. Start correcting the behavior now.

Week 5: Fact vs. Fiction

Scripture to reflect upon for Relationship Revival Week 5: Proverbs 29:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Years ago I used to watch Dr. Phil faithfully! That famous phrase he uses is still a perfect reminder that most things we do in life don’t bring us happiness: “How’s that working for you?”

One thing that sticks out more than anything he ever spoke about was this idea that our feelings aren’t always truth. Most of us already know that but have no clue how to let that settle into our spirit and everyday living.

So many of us react to our “feelings,” that we end up causing more problems in an already bad situation. This happens a lot in relationships, and not just in our marriages, but with our children, friends, parents, or even co-workers. When we have a conflict in our lives that need to be resolved, we go about it all wrong. We tend to act (in)appropriately to our feelings.

Our feelings have no real cause for reality. Our feelings have a way of ballooning out of control until it pops! When we sit and stew on something, we suddenly start coming up with all these images and ideas about the situation that more than likely are only a figment of our overactive imagination. We start coming up with all these ridiculous notions of why so-and-so did this-or-that, and all of a sudden we’ve made so-and-so out to be an evil villain from one of those daytime soap operas. We watch way too much TV.

We believe we have the other person all figured out and know their motives. Next thing you know we’re acting on that…not reality. Most of the time, people don’t even realize they may have offended or hurt you. So to start overanalyzing someone and accusing them of being from the dark side is a bit self-defeating, and it will usually end up making you look a tad silly, and no one likes looking like a fool.

What I’m saying does not nullify our feelings at all. The problem is our approach. When we come at our partner with words like, “You did…” or “You make me feel…” we are in a lot of trouble. This instantly puts the blame on the other person, and whether or not that’s the case, we should always resist pointing fingers at one another.

This one phrase Dr. Phil suggested has helped me in so many potential arguments over the years: “This is how I feel. It may not be fact, but it’s how I feel…” How many times have you caught yourself saying, “He does this on purpose…” or “He does this because he knows it upsets me…”? I highly doubt our partner is doing anything on purpose to deliberately upset or hurt us. If they are, then you need more help than my piddly blog, but don’t automatically assume they are. This is what always gets us into deep, troubled waters—way over our head, out of control, no hope in sight.

These simple words can help you express how you feel without making them a fact in your mind, and without making it an attack on your partner.

ACTION PLAN: When your partner has done something that has upset you and you need to discuss it with them, instead of pointing your finger, using blame words, or making accusations, tell them how the situation makes you feel. Explain to them that what you feel doesn’t make it true, but nonetheless, it’s how you feel. This can’t be done by yelling or screaming or fists in the air. This has to be done calmly, otherwise your words and actions won’t agree and your partner will feel like they are in Crazytown.

GO FURTHER: Once you get the hang of explaining how you feel in this healthy manner, try stopping those obsessive, soap opera thoughts before they even begin! We have to look at our problems logically. To automatically assume someone is purely evil and only does things to set you off is 98% ludicrous. That’s not saying that some people aren’t doing things to upset you on purpose, because there are a few people out there who are like that, but they are a very small minority. But if you are in a Godly relationship, you can be sure that they are not maliciously out to hurt you, so stop allowing those deceiving thoughts to even enter your mind anymore. Those are lies of the enemy, so stop him dead in his tracks before he even begins to fill your head with vicious lies to accuse your loved ones.

Start analyzing how you mindfully react to situations that upset you. Journal what thoughts immediately come into your head so you can be aware of them and start learning how to keep them at bay. Negative thoughts will only cause more damage. It does no one any good to act upon those ideas or thoughts. Change your mind, change your thinking, and change your approach.

FACT: What you feel isn’t fact. It’s merely what you feel.