Week 8: Wives: Submit to Your Husbands

Scripture to reflect upon for Relationship Revival: Ephesians 5:22, 25

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Don’t shoot the messenger. These are God’s Words, not mine. Let’s keep that in mind today.

A lot of women have problems with this scripture, and on the other hand a lot of men love it. That’s because they are hopelessly reading it wrong.

Let me share a story with you about how this works…

It’s no secret that I’ve been married before. Three times to be exact, and if you’ve been following along with me these last few months, you also know that those failed marriages were my own fault by marrying the wrong people through my absolute lack of self-esteem.

My second marriage in particular was such a huge mistake. Bigger than the first or the third, because I was saved and living for God and knew it was wrong. (Find out JUST how wrong it was: http://andotherthoughtsbytristine.blogspot.com/2011/09/everyone.html).

Although it may have appeared we were “equally yoked,” my second husband William carried with him an ugly and aggressive spirit of religion that bogged us down, ripped us apart, and eventually divided us permanently. It also had a devastating effect on our church (read the other blog to find out how).

My first son, Josh, was thirteen when William and I got married. Josh was such a great kid, but my ex-husband wanted to control his every move, as well as mine. He tried to put ridiculous rules on us that truly made us feel like prisoners in our own home. William threw scriptures at us left and right, scolding us profusely on anything we did that he didn’t care for, which usually was just about everything we did or didn’t do.

William’s 13 year old step-sister stayed with us one night, and her and Josh ended up kissing. The rage that ensued from William the next morning over the incident was unbearable, and I ended up saying the typical: “He’s not your son, so let me deal with him the way I think is right.” Not very submissive, was I? And that’s exactly what he told me: “You are my wife, and God’s Word says you are to submit to me, not the other way around!”

Let me tell you where this whole thing went wrong. He forgot to love me the way Christ loves the church. And let’s also not forget that verse 21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This means husbands, too, need to submit to their wives. Don’t lose me yet. I can explain…

Let’s go back to the beginning with Abraham and Sarah. Sarah demanded that he “get rid of that slave woman and her son” (Genesis 21:10) even though it was his son, too. Abraham was apprehensive about her request but God told him, “Listen to whatever Sarah tells you” (vv. 12). If you’ve read my series on Eve, you know the high regard that God has for women; it’s man who lowered her to the ground, which is why Paul told husbands to “love” their wives as Christ loves the church. Wow…

William did not love me that way. Every act, every outburst, every word, every thought was based out of control, not love. Christ does not want to control us. Whenever God told his people to obey his commands, the first thing He told them was to…“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” In a recent discussion about how we are the bride of Christ, this statement was said over and over and over again from God. To love Him. Why did He always need to remind them to love Him right before He commanded them to obey Him? Because when we love someone, we want to please them and obey them. Love has to come first before we can even begin to think about obeying.

So when William would insist I “obey” him because he was the husband and I was just the wife, I had major issues with this, considering he showed no love at all. Everything he did around the house, he did grudgingly, even simply taking out the trash. He would give me the silence treatment for days on end. Whenever I would try to discuss how someone had hurt or upset me, he always took their side and scolded me with scriptures. He was one person at home: mean, cruel, demanding, unaffectionate, verbally abusive, strict and overbearing; and an entirely different person at church: sweet, gentle, thoughtful, affectionate, humble, and a dutiful husband. To say that every Sunday I was incredibly sickened, is an understatement. This type of emotional beating did not command respect from me on any level, it only made me resist his “biblical teachings.”  

See, wives (and husbands), we are not to submit to a husband who isn’t willing to submit to Christ. If your husband is abusive, you don’t need to submit to that no matter what ANYONE tells you! When your husband loves you the way Christ loves the church—a.k.a. you!—there will be mutual respect and submission. Let’s dig deeper.

If the man is the “head” of the house, that means he has to be in complete alignment with God and His Word in order to deserve a wife who will then submit to him. Because if the man is submitting to God, then he will be a Godly husband who will take care of and support his wife, honor her, treat her as God would treat her with love and kindness. He should be knowledgeable of the Word to help raise a Godly family. He should know right from wrong, and yes, if your wife is wrong, by all means, you have a right to let her know…in a loving manner, not through control, anger and scorn. Once the wife sees how Godly and wise her husband is, she will be eager and willing to submit to him, because he, too, has submitted to her through respect and love.

ACTION PLAN: Men, I’m calling on you first, because without you this scripture cannot be upheld properly. I don’t think I need to elaborate on what God requires of you as a husband. I think the bible makes it perfectly clear. You are to love your wife. If you need help with this, consider Christ’s love for you! Consider how he laid down his life for you so you would have life to the fullest, so you could know joy, peace and happiness. Consider how He is your Defender before God. Any wrong you did, he will plead your case. A husband will be her: lover, friend, protector, defender, companion and provider.

Women, when your husband is scripturally right, submit! When you are equally yoked, submitting is not a problem, because let’s not forget that we do it out of reverence for Christ.

Ladies, you are not called to “wear the pants” of the family. And, yes, this goes against what the world is trying to project. Instead, we are called by God to be: mothers, encouragers, comforters, and friends; but don’t forget we were also created to be a helpmate to our husband.

GO FURTHER: Consider what being a helpmate means in your relationship. Talk with one another about particular issues you have a hard time submitting to with your partner and why. Find your answer to the issue(s) in the bible, and discover what God says about it. From there, one of you will need to submit based on God’s Word.

Ask God to show you how to love one another properly. Go to God together and seek His wisdom for your marriage. Both of you need to first humbly submit to God in order to then submit to one another.

Men, if you want to carry the role as “head of the house,” then you also need to carry all the responsibilities that entails. So be prepared to make those kinds of adjustments. Discuss with your wife what that means, what actions steps you will take to make it happen, what her role should be, and finally, how it will affect your family for the better.

FACT: Marriage is a reciprocal relationship, not a one-way street.

Week 9: Flaws & All

Scripture to reflect upon for Relationship Revival Week 9: Romans 7:21-23 (The Message)

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’m so flawed and such a mess, I’m surprised Jared can bear to live with me on a daily basis. But you know what? Jared’s just as messy. And a bigger surprise: so are you!

I wrote a blog not too long ago called, Ugh Lug Luggage. It discussed the unforgiveness we carry around, and all the heavy baggage of our past that weighs us down. Today’s blog is something similar to that, but we’re going to dig deeper. We’re going to deal with our flaws and what those mean to us and those around us.

Originally, I was going to write a blog today entitled, “Face It, It’s Real.” It was going to be directed towards men on the topic of PMS, because let’s face it, it’s real and men have a real hard time accepting that fact. They truly believe that women use PMS as an excuse to act nuts, be irritable and feel miserable. I just want to ask every man out there reading this, “What in God’s creation would make you think we want to be that way?!”

I’m going to delve into this topic a bit, because quite honestly, for women, PMS is a major “flaw,” so to speak, in our relationships. It causes a great deal of problems all around us, and we have no easy solution to it. Men don’t understand it, and so in turn they don’t understand us and what we go through. So I want to give the men a bit of insight on what it feels like in our heads. So buckle up, honey. We’re going for a ride.

Sometimes PMS can hit you out of nowhere, especially as you get older because there is no longer a very specific timetable you can rely on. The mind boggling headaches are usually the first sign that PMS is lurking around, ready for the attack. Then you begin to feel fatigued and heavy…so heavy, it’s hard just to carry your own weight around. Fatigue does a funny thing to the mind; it makes you irrational and irritable. See, most women don’t have the luxury to do what they did in the Old Testament. Women were sent to tents, and quite honestly, I cherish the thought. No kids, no husband, no chores, just me and my misery, a nice mat (bed) for sleep and rest, and maybe some other women around to commiserate with. Yeah, that sounds like heaven to me during my PMS. Also, if I were secluded, I wouldn’t end up making everyone else around me miserable, either! Someone needs to rethink that law.

However, we are not afforded the luxury to rest, or retreat, or regroup. We have to keep on going. Suddenly, the smallest things can set us off. The normal, everyday routines seems to now be heightened and electrified and, quite honestly, incredibly overwhelming. There seems to be no end in sight for everything that needs to be done, so we find a nice corner and cry about it instead. Men, if you think we are irrational, you are absolutely correct. And don’t think we don’t know it. Stopping it, though, is an entirely different story.

According to WebMD.com, here are “medical” symptoms of PMS:

Physical symptoms include:

§  Breast swelling and tenderness.

§  Bloating, water retention, weight gain.

§  Changes in bowel habits.

§  Acne.

§  Nipple discharge when nipples or breasts are pressed. (Any leakage that spontaneously happens when you aren't pressing on the nipple should be checked by a health professional.)

§  Food cravings, especially for sweet or salty foods.

§  Sleep pattern changes.

§  Fatigue, lack of energy.

§  Decreased sexual desire.

§  Pain. Common complaints include headaches or migraines, breast tenderness, aching muscles and joints, or cramps and low back pain prior to menstrual bleeding.

Behavioral symptoms include:

§  Aggression.

§  Withdrawal from family and friends.

Emotional and cognitive symptoms include:

§  Depression, sadness, hopelessness.

§  Anger, irritability.

§  Anxiety.

§  Mood swings.

§  Decreased alertness, inability to concentrate.

Is it any wonder we’re irrational? Some of us—me—suffer from severe PMS. We can even begin to question our entire life, sometimes even contemplate suicide. Life feels empty and worthless. And yes, it’s incredibly irrational, but look over that list again. Do you see all the things we go through physically and emotionally? I even get pretty clumsy. I lose my balance, bump into things, and drop things. And that, too, can send me into a downward spiral of misery.

Men, you just need to ride this out. You need to let it roll off your shoulders. You need to ZIP IT.

Aside from my excessive PMS symptoms, I’m also not perfect. Go figure. I have other flaws, and countless pet peeves. I’m very fortunate, because Jared puts up with every single one of them. Not only that, he finds my flaws endearing. I’m not sure how, but he does, and he does it with grace. In fact, the very first time I met Jared I was crabby and irritable because there were so many new people at work; Jared was one of them. I looked him right in the eyes, and with as much attitude as I could muster, I asked, “Who the @#$% are you?” Jared claims that’s when he became intrigued with me. Any other man would have steered clear, and rightfully so.

Years before I met Jared, I re-dated an ex-boyfriend who claimed undying love for me. He insisted that for fifteen years he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and eventually realized I was the one he was supposed to be with “forever”. That was until he found out I was a flawed human. He honestly told me that the reason he no longer wanted to be with me was because he had this “image” of me in his mind, and I just didn’t live up to it. Well, yeah, because I’m not perfect!

I can’t even begin to tell you how many men have told me this kind of story. Sure, I’m fun-loving, sweet, generous, thoughtful and witty, and men loved that about me, but there’s another side to me, too. I’m afraid of being abandoned, I’m outspoken and opinionated, I’m strong and independent, I’ve been hurt time and time again. That’s the side no one wanted anything to do with. It’s a part of me, and they only wanted half of me, not the whole me. The second my flaws surfaced, they ran far, far away! Scardy cats! Jared is a brave soul; let’s just get that out in the open right now. This man deserves a medal!

Listen, folks, if you’re looking for the “perfect” relationship, or the “perfect” person, neither one of them exist. You are flawed, they are flawed, therefore your relationship will also have flaws. It’s inevitable. Face the fact that you will absolutely, positively have to deal with someone else’s idiosyncrasies, pet peeves, and monthly biological disorders. You can get mad about them, you could even leave the person because of them, but you will never, ever, EVER escape them. Your flaws follow you wherever you go, as does everyone else’s.

ACTION PLAN: I couldn’t tell you how he does it, but it might be wise to take Jared’s lead. Embrace your partner’s flaws; try to find something endearing about them. He saw mine as a woman who was strong and fiery. He also understands that I’m a woman who wants things a certain way, so he truly tries to meet those challenges, and I might add that he succeeds about 90% of the time. The other 10% irritates me, but hey, that’s my flaw, not his.

GO FURTHER: When Jared and I sat down together several months ago and discussed the idea of designing a website specifically for Relationship Revival for couples, we began discussing how our relationship works and how it functions so well. I made a comment like, “I don’t let it get to me that you never close the shower curtain.” And he laughed and said, “That’s funny, because I don’t ever let it get to me that you don’t fill the ice cube trays.” We both laughed hysterically. See, both those things bother us, but we’re not going to let them cause big riffs in our relationship. It’s that whole idea of choosing your battles wisely; because those are stupid things to argue about, right? So why argue about them? The great thing about that conversation was that we both now make a conscious effort to not do those things.

Sit down together and civilly discuss your own flaws. Once you admit them, you will be more aware every time they surface and it will help you control them a tad better. I still suffer all of those symptoms of PMS, but because I talk about them and Jared accepts it as a part of who I am, it’s easier for me to control them—not entirely, but at least I try!

Ladies, if you suffer from PMS, be very aware of the changes that take place. When you begin to feel depressed or irritable, it truly helps to remind yourself when those irrational thoughts begin to creep in that this is just PMS…this will all be over in a few days. And men, you may need to remind yourself of the same thing, and also know that she enjoys those times of the month just as much as you do: she hates it, too!

SINGLES: There’s a valuable lesson to be learned here today. You are flawed, and your future partner will be flawed, too. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Then decide what kind of flaws are acceptable in a partner, and what flaws are unacceptable (i.e. abuse, drugs, alcoholism, etc.), make sure to be “reasonable.” So that means, ladies, if you’re PMSing don’t make your list now! Men, face the fact that the woman of your dreams will be flawed, so don’t be surprised when she tells you that she has a past, or that she was abused as a child, or that her and her father don’t get along. Those things bring about flaws, but they are a part of who we are as humans, and those very things make us unique and even loveable.

FACT: You can’t accept only bits and pieces of someone…you have to accept all of them.

Week 10: Start a Love Affair

Scripture to reflect upon for Relationship Revival and Singles Saturday: Deuteronomy 6:4-5 (The Message)

God, our God! God the one and only! Love God, your god with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got!

This week it’s okay to have a deep, passionate love affair…with God.

Deepen your love for God, and watch your confidence blossom. Watch your love life explode! Watch the heavens release blessings.

ACTION PLAN: Yes, I’m already there. This doesn’t have to be complicated, or explained in a lengthy blog. This is God we’re talking about…this is you and God. This is your love affair with God Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth. What kind of love affair can you have with God? Consider these things:

§  Remind yourself of how it felt when you met your partner, or meet a special person that makes your heart skip a beat. Embrace that moment for God.

§  Reflect on how you get all excited by the mere thought of your partner, or the new person you met, calling you, or coming to see you. Embrace those sensations for God.

§  Let your heart skip a beat for God.

§  Get excited to spend time with Him. Look forward to it all day. Prepare yourself for a few extra hours throughout the week, just for God.

§  Sit with God. Get cozy with Him. Talk all night with Him. Tell Him all those exciting things about yourself and your life that you shared with your partner when you first met, or the things you tell your date when it looks like it might get serious.

§  Be on your best behavior, but be real with God. Don’t hide who you are.

§  Anticipate falling in love and having those feeling reciprocated. Accept His love. 

§  Trust God. Believe everything He tells you. Be in awe of His goodness.

§  Let God treat you with honor and respect. Embrace God’s affection for you.

§  Dance together. Close your eyes and let Him lead the dance.

§  Fantasize about your relationship with God. Imagine your future with Him. Daydream of all the wonderful things He’s done for you, and all the great plans He has lined up for you.

§  Introduce Him to your friends and family. Don’t be ashamed of God.

§  It’s okay…you can tell God your deep, dark secrets. He won’t judge you, nor will He leave you. He will only love you more.

GO FURTHER: Let God become the lover of your soul. The Message Solo devotional says to repeat this scripture over and over again, “letting what the words ask of you to sink into your heart.” Speak it out loud. Let it seep into your soul. Put your hand(s) over your heart. Close your eyes. Say these words as you would if you were telling someone that you love them for the very first time: with anticipation, longing, honesty and passion. Breathe these words. Give them life. Make them real.

FACT: A good affair is a God affair.

Let's Get Started

My name is Tristine Fleming. You may be wondering who in God's green earth gave me the authority to dole out advice about relationships. I don't hold a degree in Psychology, nor do I have a background in social work. What I do have is forty-plus years experience in reckless, abusive, destructive relationships. (Now you're REALY wondering what kind of authority I have!)

My past experience comes from the ways of the world. The rules of man, so to speak. The caveman principles and other stupid guidelines so many men and women seem to follow. My suggestions on how to revive your relationship are a bit unorthodox and come from the heart of a woman who has suffered greatly at the hands of "the way it is" idea of relationships, and then found and married the man who showed me what real love and what a truly healthy relationship should be like! My stories stem from real-life experiences with my past relationships compared to my current one. It will blow your mind to see how EASY life can be when you just readjust your way of thinking and behaving.

Oh, don't you dare get me confused with a fist in the air mentality of Guuuurl Power, or any other women empowerment, feminist ideas. This is for men and women. This is real, raw, and ready to apply revival strategies to get you both focused on loving one another fully and functionally.

I will rip apart the world's way of revival, and provide you with practical ways to stop believing it should be one way or the other. A man/woman thing, so to speak. I will break it down for women and men. And don't be surprised when I throw the whole modern-day women/men stereotypes out the window.

Let's get real. Let's get practical. And let's get back to saving our relationships in healthy, loving, fun, and challenging ways.

Each week you will be presented with a Relationship Revival Challenge. You will get new perspectives from both me and my husband, Jared. So you will get both sides of the story. Some ideas will be based on biblical and Godly principles. Uh oh, I just lost you didn't I? You think I'm going to have the women barefoot and pregnant wearing blue bonnets, don't you? Think again! Whether you believe in God, don't know a thing about God, or think you know what biblical relationship principles are about...you're probably wrong! So get that whole, "Wives bow down and do as your told" idea out of your mind right now. I want to tell you something right off the bat so you have a clear and firm understanding of how God views men and women. So buckle up ladies and gentlemen. Hold on for dear life. We're going on an adventure.

Visit the page, In the Beginning, to find out why I believe most religions, and the world, have it all wrong!